Then, just today, her mother shows up and starts slamming on the door, Susie having been gone with her boyfriend for the night, and Susie's roommate opens the door. Susie's mom said that she needed to talk to Susie immediately and that Susie had lied to her family about her boyfriend living with her.
Apparently, Susie's boyfriend has beaten her in the past and he is bad news. Well, she left then I saw Susie later in the day and asked her about what was going on. She said that her boyfriend had never touched her, but that her dad had verbally abused her several times and has hit her hard enough to bleed. It's really hard to know whom to believe. Susie raised her little sister, who is now 2, and she should be able to have her parents' support in everything she does, right?
She left today. She's going back to Gallup and has decided to enroll in that branch of UNM. Is this a good idea? To be so close to an abusive family life? She has run away before, but has always returned to her little sister. What can she do? her parents are her parents, but at what point is their authority too much? When does respect and love die to fear?
9 comments:
Personally, I cannot tolerate any form of abuse. And being a vocal person I inform my friends if I feel their boyfriend is on my shit list. This being said, I know that in abusive relationships (whether familial or social) are hard to get out of. Also throwing a sister into the mix complicates things. One would say to just leave, but its never that easy. Susie is old enough to know that its not just her thats involved but also her sister. I would personally suggest an anonymous phone call to child services or CYFD. She should not have her sister in that same environment she grew up in.
As for what to believe... thats all a matter of personal judgement. I know, not very helpful, but I also don't know Susie, her boyfriend, or her family. Probably not much help here but good luck with this situation
I think she should stay here where she is far away from her family. I don’t really know who to believe either, if the boyfriend is abusive, or her father. If it’s the father she needs to get away and if it’s the boyfriend, I think she still needs to get away, but I also think she needs to dump the boyfriend for good. Getting away from an abusive situation like that is going to be hard, especially if she feels responsibly for her sister. I think her best bet is a) staying here for college, b) graduating ASAP and getting a job and a place of her own where she can decide who she wants to live with her and who she wants over and c) if the situation is really that bad, look into legal options such as restraining orders and maybe even either getting the child put into a home that isn’t abusive, maybe that of a relative (or non-relative) she can trust or into child services, maybe until she is in a position where, if she wants, she can claim the child as her own responsibility. Their authority is too much when the abuse is real. If the father is innocent, then they are justified in wanting the abusive boyfriend gone, but if the father is as guilty as she says he is, then, in my opinion, he doesn’t have the right to have any authority at all. The only catch here is that since she’s fresh into college, she is probably very much still dependent on her parents for living and this creates a problem for getting away (hence my earlier suggestion of graduating and getting a job, but even this will take time). As far as respect and love dying to fear, I think this happens the first moment parents violate the child’s trust and value they have as a human being, and more importantly as their own flesh and blood. At orientation we talked about what family meant to us, and a lot of the time family was people who weren’t related to us, here is a case where flesh and blood may not necessarily hold the definition of family to heart.
Omg this is so crazy! It's difficult to pick a side when both are blaming the other. Abuse from anyone is absolutely unacceptable. Personally, I have had friends that were in abusive relationships, but were unable to see that they were because of the feelings they had for the abuser. They were so accustomed to the abuse that they didn't even know what a decent relationship was.
Definitely try to talk to Susie again and see if her story is consistent. You can't take back calling help if you get the story wrong :/ I know this isn't much help and I'm sorry you're in this situation. It's tough knowing when to interfere in someone else's life.
This is a very terrible situation, I'm sorry that your neighbor has to go through something like this. I have never personally been in an abusive situation, but I do know of people that have. I also know how hard it is for them to get away. No matter how abusive someone is, they usually still love them. Usually the person who is abusing someone makes them feel like they deserve it, or they tell them it wont happen again, yet it continues. It's also much harder to get away when there are other people involved, in this case her younger sister. I think the best thing to do in this situation would be to get way, but it doesn't seem like she can. I feel that once anyone crosses over to being really abusive they lose all respect. People shouldn't be treated in this manner, and they definitely shouldn't fear their own family members. It's a really tough situation, I hope that Susie is okay :/
This is a very sad situation :( If it weren't for her little sister, I would say of course she should get far far away. However if she is dependent on her parents for money, that would be incredibly difficult. If Susie raised her little sister, she probably deserves custody of her, but it does not work that way since she is not the parent. And what if the dad starts abusing the little sister? I think Susie should try talking to some kind of counselor or social worker, because I doubt she can afford a lawyer. Chances are if the dad beats Susie, the dad probably abuses Susie's mother in some way as well. Any kind of outside help would probably help everyone in that family because it is so damaged. And finally, I think love and respect for a family member is gone the second they abuse you. Abuse is not okay. If a family member beats another family member, I would not consider them to be family at all any more.
Susie seems to have a pretty tough predicament. It would only make sense for her to stay away from her abusive family-as long as her little sister isn't factored in. I think that after raising her, Susie probably has a maternal instinct for her sister and can't stand the thought of leaving her alone in a potentially dangerous environment.
I'm with Ale on the reporting idea. I know her parents are her parents, but Susie needs to realize that what her dad has done to her (if she is telling the truth) is completely wrong and should not go unheard.
Personally, I think Susie should get herself out of abusive situations, whether they come from her parents or her boyfriend. However, easier said then done I'm sure.
I feel so terrible for Susie. I always take for granted my family situation and will complain and get bugged over the smallest things, when in reality I've never had it bad. It hurts me that Susie obviously never had the support system at home that most of us take for granted, and she still made it to college, only to have to go back to the madness she calls home. It's a difficult situation because if her parents do abuse her than what is so stop them from lying about how her boyfriend treats her? On the other hand, maybe Susie doesn't know what a real loving relationship is like, and if her boyfriend abuses her maybe she believes that is normal behavior. I think it would be terrible for Susie's sister to have to be uprooted from her sister if CYFD was called, but maybe it would be better and in a few years when Susie is on her feet she could take custody of her sister. I know of a girl who did this for her sister. The older sister is 2 years older than we are and the younger one is our age. Their dad died when they were young and their mom became abusive. They were put into foster homes and the younger sister's foster home wasn't that good to her. Her sister stayed close to her and the minute she turned 18 she got her own place and became her sister's legal guardian. I realize it is a huge responsibility, but maybe it's best for Susie and her sister to get away from their family until they can get some help or something. I know the two sisters now have a decent relationship with their mom, and they have the best sister relationship I know of.
I almost don't want to respond to this because we know so little and it seems a little unfair to judge this poor girls situation. Who knows who’s the abuser and abused but we just know that she is in some sort of violent environment in her life. So I will just talk about abuse in general. I think that most people just don't understand how hard abuse is in the real life terms, both emotionally and physically. Of course, everyone will think 'how can people do that,' 'how can they live with themselves,' 'why would anyone get satisfaction out of this horrific action.' And the sad fact is that our world is pretty crazy and some people just can't handle it. And it truly isn't as easy as calling the cops, or child services, or just leaving. First off a cop won't and won't feel comfortable just taking a kid away. There is paper work, evidence, court; it's hard to deal with it physically. Now just think about sitting and waiting on a lot of it. And if her family is abusive (first off, why would they be worried about her being with her ‘abusive’ boyfriend, if they were, when a family is abusive and you leave them, they are usually just gone, unless you personally reach out.) it would be easy to leave but you have to think of the consequences of both aspects, you may get food and drink and get beat or you may have nothing, but the clothes on your back and disappearing bruises. If your partner is abusive, in some ways I think it may be more difficult in some ways. It’s easier to lose connection I think with abusive family because you know its wrong and you just want to leave. With abusive boyfriend, most of the time the girlfriend will think it’s her fault or it is deserving. Especially when you are intimate with them or fall in love with them, you have a strong connection that is absolutely different than a family relationship in a sense that you are truly working and trying hard for that relationship to work. With family it just does, it kind of has to. There are so many more aspects to abusive relationships that gives you the real idea of how serious it is. And how sad it is.
I think that at a certain age that people have to do what is best for them regardless of who it affects. Sometimes when people are in bad situation, particularly when they are younger, their decisions will be heavily swayed by the 'guiding' figures in their life: parents in particular. However, as one gets older, those decisions get harder and at some point or another one must sit down and really ask, what do I what? What would be best for me? And in situations like the one that your neighbor is in, unfortunately there is no easy answer, and since 'Susie' is really the only one who knows who actually did what, then the sad reality is that she is the only one who knows what is actually best for her. Now whether or not she will have the courage to make whatever decision is best for her, as whatever decision she will make will probably hurt someone. And as well if her father really is abusing her, than frankly, I don't think he should be considered her family at all; family looks out for each other, and obviously, if the abuse is real, then he clearly doesn't have her best interests at heart. Same goes for her boyfriend. All girls deserve to be treated well, and all girls should have the courage to make whatever decisions are best for them.
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